Journal Entry 004: Letting Go

He was everything that could ever be

Everything that you could ask for

But as time passed

He wasn’t anymore

You noticed and kept silent

Changes always happen, you say to yourself

You convince yourself that it might be just for now

Because of work, because of time, because of life

But it’s been months and you still feel the same

And slowly you pull away

Realizing there’s nothing you could do

Let that boy, you truly love, be himself alone, without you
– Joan

Journal Entry 003: Seven Seconds in Heaven

I stare at you,

Hoping you would look at me too.

On second thought, I change my mind.

I wouldn’t know what to do if you did.

Here I was, expecting you to turn the other way,

Like you always did.

But you didn’t this time.

You looked at me too,

With those two brown orbs,

One thousand one.

And you worked your magic,

One thousand two.

I started counting.

One thousand three.

Maybe because I was panicking

One-thousand four.

You let out a smile from ear to ear.

One thousand five.

Or was I counting to know how long we’d stay like this?

One thousand six.

And when everything was done,

You suddenly went away.

You went away as I was feeling all the feelings.

And suddenly I let out a breath

I didn’t realize I was holding.

Then you looked back.

One thousand seven.


Journal Entry 002: Nomo

Pag may alak, may balak.
Kaya balak ko yan sige sayo na tong berdeng bote,
Habang akoy nagiisip nang masasabi.
Mata mong laging nakapungay,
Nais kong titigan hanggang masanay.
At sa pagubos ng panganim na bote ko
Nagsisimula narin umikot ang mundo.

Inuman lang walang aminan.
Pero oo na, sige na, aaminin na, gusto kita.
at sa hiya hiling ko ang tumakbong parang bata.
Para habulin ka kahit alam kong sobrang layo
o di kaya palayo sa’yo at kung san di ikaw ang dulo.
Yan nanaman tayo sobrang gulo ko diba,
di alam kung titigil o ipagpapatutuloy ko pa.

Susuka pero hindi susuko.
Ahm… eto… wait… oh my gahd… ako’y may katanungan.
Pwede bang isuka yung nararamdaman?
Dahil baka ito ang tanging paraan upang di ikaw ang hinahanap.
Lalo’t alam kong wala ako sa iyong hinaharap.
Sabi ko na nga ba deliks yan tinamaan na.
Ano? Bill out na ba o isang bote pa?


Journal Entry 001: Contents

I sigh as I step inside the air-conditioned bus. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve rode on one. I walk across the one-way aisle, trying to look for a vacant window seat but there is none. What a way to start the week. The all too familiar pine-tree-shaped freshener drowns my sense of smell, instantly making me feel nauseous. To make the trip feel a little longer, I’m forced to sit between a guy who’s sweating like a pig and a man struggling to keep three bags on his lap. In just a few minutes, the bus starts moving and the conductor starts collecting the fare. I scramble on my messy bag, trying to find that fifty-peso bill I thought I had prepared. “Crossing po.” I say as I hand my money to the conductor. He hands me my change and ticket I know would stay inside my bag until I decide to change bags again. As soon as he moves on to the next passenger, I doze off.

I wake up right on time for me to get off the bus, Shaw Boulevard. I check my phone, it has been an hour since I slept. I scramble my way towards the front, letting the driver know this was my stop. As the door of the bus opens, I’m immediately welcomed by the scorching heat of the 12pm sun. The ten-minute walk feels like forever under the summer heat. A time I spend with, no matter how I try not to, thinking about my life decisions. I’m happy that I have a job and that the friends that came with it are something I know I could cherish for a long time. I’m happy that I’m able to buy the things I used to wish I could buy. I’m happy that my job is not difficult in nature, though a lot of heavy contents stress me out.

But I know myself. I am not one to stay for a long time. Routines bore me. I am not contented with just sitting around all day. I seek new knowledge, different environment, fresh faces and visiting places I’ve only heard from books. And every time I wait for the lift that would bring me to 39th floor, I convince myself it’s going to be okay. That running away to explore the world rather than riding the lift sounds amazing but it’s not yet time for that. I convince myself that daydreaming is far better than traveling itself… For now. Because I have Australian news to listen to, scoops to attend to and Priority One contents to finish.