Journal Entry 009: Messed Up but not Giving Up

As I wake up alone every morning, and after making that hot cup of instant coffee or eating instant noodles for brunch, I think to myself if I can do this still. If I can still stand hearing another Australian newsreader, with that deep accent, reminding me to type in what he or she is saying. If I can still stand that kind of leader who doesn’t even know how to be one. If I can still stand very unpredictable traffic, where my commute can be 20 minutes only or an hour. If I can still stand the fact that I’m a ‘promdi’ in a really big city without close family.
Then I think of my future travels, and how I dream to go to every Disney theme park in the world. Then I think of my pride, what would my relatives say if they see me come home, telling me that I haven’t ‘leveled up’, discouraging me instead of comforting me. Then I think of my co-workers, whom I have gotten so close with that I can call them my friends. Would they miss me if I quit because I know I would if they left. Then I think of my mom, who doesn’t want a disappointment, even more when she has always been so supportive of me. Then I think of my dad, who I always look up to, telling myself that he doesn’t want a quitter, that he isn’t a quitter. Then I think of my fate, what would become of me if I give up now and where would I stand. Then I think of myself, and that I’m sure I don’t want this ever… but I have to own up to it, for the sake of experience, for the sake of not quitting, for the sake of being independent, for the sake of everything and everyone above.
And I realize that this is just another hurdle I’ll be able to jump, a level in a game that I will finish, just another phase in my life that will soon be over. My dreams will soon come true and I have to remind myself that I have to work hard for it.
– Joan

Journal Entry 006: Ahon

Sana dumating na yung panahon

kung saan ako’y makaka ahon

Yung wala na akong pakialam sayo

At di ko na chinicheck ang facebook mo

Kahit di na ako ang sanhi ng iyong kasiyahan

Sana di mo pa din ako makalimutan

Pagkatapos ng maraming taon

Ikaw pa rin ang iniisip ko hanggang ngayon

Di na din kita pipilitin

dahil alam kong di naman ako ang iyong pipiliin

Pero kahit ganun pa man ang mangyari

Di naman kita masisisi

Pero wag ka magalala

Balang araw, makakahanap din ako ng bagong mamahalin

at umaasa ako na sana ako’y mahal niya rin
– Joan

Journal Entry 004: Letting Go

He was everything that could ever be

Everything that you could ask for

But as time passed

He wasn’t anymore

You noticed and kept silent

Changes always happen, you say to yourself

You convince yourself that it might be just for now

Because of work, because of time, because of life

But it’s been months and you still feel the same

And slowly you pull away

Realizing there’s nothing you could do

Let that boy, you truly love, be himself alone, without you
– Joan