Journal Entry 007: Last Friday Night

The neon lights were blinding. The air smelled of smoke, alcohol , and sweat altogether. My ears were deafened by the 90s mix that’s urging me to sway from time to time. “We’ll be there soon.” I read a text on my phone. I felt excited and nervous that I search for my partner in crime and ran to her. She doesn’t know he’s on the way. She looks at me, and I just offer my drink to toast to hers. I smile and she knows something’s up. She knows what was up. “Nandiyan na ba siya?”, she asks. “Papunta na daw.” And I smile with the fact. I smile with the thought of you. But I remind her of my Plan B, which was to run to her when I can’t stand the situation.

Six songs and three beers down, you arrived. I was talking to my friends but I already saw you in my peripherals, like I always do. And like I always do, I ran back inside the bar to my partner  in crime. She asks the same question but my response was “Oh my god! Nandiyan na siya!” She stood up with no hesitations and we went outside where you were. We went straight to our friends. And you were just a few meters away. While I wished we’d just be inches away instead. Sometimes I could feel your eyes on me. Or was I just assuming? Did you want to start a conversation? Because I did. There were many conversation starters I thought of in my mind. None of them worked. None because I was too nervous to even approach you. I decided I would just be glad that you were here on a Friday night, with us, with me. And that’s my problem, I get attached to people and things even when the distance between us are counted by light years.

The night turned darker and I’ve already lost count of the sticks I smoked. I kept looking at you and you kept looking on your phone. Until the last one when you stood up, crossed the road, and opened a door for someone. Your girlfriend. I knew she’d be here. “Nandiyan na girlfriend niya.” One of my friends said. As if I already didn’t see. As if I needed another person to tell me. I already told myself that beer and friends were the only things that’d I’d mind that night. I already told myself I wouldn’t mind her… them… But I did, didn’t I? And I don’t have the right to feel this way, do I? And up to this day, I regretted spending that Friday with you. And up to this day… I’m glad that I spent that Friday with you.

Finally after a few more sips from other people’s bottles, I had the courage to sit near you. One friend between us to be exact. And I think you noticed. I know you did. Because you looked at me, asked our friend to get my attention to you, as you thanked me for the gift you thought I gave you last December. I responded with a half-hearted nod. And that gift and how you thought it was from me is a whole different story and meant to be told in another time. I’ll tell you in time, if we had the time. I found your conversation starter a little awkward though. Digging up something that happened a few months ago. But I’m glad too, because that was a convo starter nonetheless. I’m glad you did the first move. Even with your girlfriend beside you. Just know it hurt. Just know it felt good too.

A few hours later, people started to leave. And we’re left with six as we decide to eat. A big part of me wanted to make an alibi so I could leave too. Why would I spend more time with you and your girlfriend? But the little part of me that wanted to see you more even just for the night won. I agreed to go. Just to be with you. Even if that meant seeing you with her. And so we ate. And I got to talk to you for a few minutes. And I was even glad when we handed changes to each other after eating. Thinking there I was, not meters away from you anymore. But what am I doing to myself? In the end I’ll be going home alone. In the end, you’ll be going home with her. And I’ll just end up writing how I felt last Friday night.

-Joelle

P.S. I tend to over-dramatize because I imagine too much. My feelings may seem deeper here but it’s not. HAHAHA!

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