Journal Entry 11: Joan Jet

I don’t know when it happened. Maybe it was when we signed our contracts. Maybe it was when we were sat beside each other during training. Maybe it was the first time we laughed until we cried because of a Youtube video. Was it the countless times we went to the rest room? Or the in-between laughters during a tiring day. Was it when you were so supportive of me during my kilig moments? You sucked at containing your kilig for me. Maybe that time you were there when I couldn’t help but cry. I guess it was also all the chikas we swore we wouldn’t tell anyone else. And when we finish each other’s thoughts and sentences. Maybe it was all these and all the litte things. I don’t know when it happened but I realized God gave me another best friend. I thought after college, when I get to the ‘real world’, I wouldn’t find another person I’d consider as a best friend but I did.

Thank you for making my adulting days less shitty. My heart aches at the thought of us parting ways. Huhuhuhu. You know naman how ma-drama I am. Happy Birthday, . Love you, girl! Gotchu always.

-Joelle

Journal Entry 10: The Cradle of the Half Moon

As I walk along the pavement painted with dew of the rain, I gaze upon the moon. I am not alone, I think. The moon is up there, chasing me wherever I go. The moon may shape shift or change to different shades, but it is always there. Ever so reliantly shining even when the clouds thicken and cover it. I look at the half moon directly and suddenly I feel the breeze. I feel as if I was touched by the glow of the moon, cuddle by the cold wind. I feel as if I’m alright, as if nothing’s wrong, as if I’m made whole by the half moon.

-Joelle

Journal Entry 009: Messed Up but not Giving Up

As I wake up alone every morning, and after making that hot cup of instant coffee or eating instant noodles for brunch, I think to myself if I can do this still. If I can still stand hearing another Australian newsreader, with that deep accent, reminding me to type in what he or she is saying. If I can still stand that kind of leader who doesn’t even know how to be one. If I can still stand very unpredictable traffic, where my commute can be 20 minutes only or an hour. If I can still stand the fact that I’m a ‘promdi’ in a really big city without close family.
Then I think of my future travels, and how I dream to go to every Disney theme park in the world. Then I think of my pride, what would my relatives say if they see me come home, telling me that I haven’t ‘leveled up’, discouraging me instead of comforting me. Then I think of my co-workers, whom I have gotten so close with that I can call them my friends. Would they miss me if I quit because I know I would if they left. Then I think of my mom, who doesn’t want a disappointment, even more when she has always been so supportive of me. Then I think of my dad, who I always look up to, telling myself that he doesn’t want a quitter, that he isn’t a quitter. Then I think of my fate, what would become of me if I give up now and where would I stand. Then I think of myself, and that I’m sure I don’t want this ever… but I have to own up to it, for the sake of experience, for the sake of not quitting, for the sake of being independent, for the sake of everything and everyone above.
And I realize that this is just another hurdle I’ll be able to jump, a level in a game that I will finish, just another phase in my life that will soon be over. My dreams will soon come true and I have to remind myself that I have to work hard for it.
– Joan

Journal Entry 008: Advice to My 15-year-old Self

At 15, you’re jamming to those Justin Bieber songs. You’re trying to learn instruments just so you could play his songs on them. You might have that crush on the school drummer. You sneak to read a chapter or two of your newly found fictional book while your teacher writes formulas. You were even certain you were going to be an ambassador.

My advice is to not stop what you’re doing. Keep jamming to your favorite songs. No, they might not be liked by all but at least you do and that’s the most important thing. It’s impacted your life and made a difference in you.

Do not stop what you’re doing. Yes, learn instruments. Learn everything and anything. Never stop learning. That’s what will shape you and open you to the world.

Do not stop what you’re doing. That drummer boy? Yes, he’s your inspiration. Continue finding inspiration on others but when your feelings are broken, don’t forget to have yourself as your inspiration. And also be an inspiration to others.

Do not stop what you’re doing. Your teacher called you out because your attention was on the book you were reading. And reading takes you to places. Know how to balance your time. When it’s time to study, you must. And when it’s time to read or go places, you also must.

Do not stop what you’re doing. You dreamed of being an ambassador. Keep that dream. In a few years time, you may land a job totally out of what you dreamed of but that’s the beauty of life. The mazes and uphill battles help you grow until you can reach your dreams. Don’t ever lose your dreams.

-Joelle

Journal Entry 007: Last Friday Night

The neon lights were blinding. The air smelled of smoke, alcohol , and sweat altogether. My ears were deafened by the 90s mix that’s urging me to sway from time to time. “We’ll be there soon.” I read a text on my phone. I felt excited and nervous that I search for my partner in crime and ran to her. She doesn’t know he’s on the way. She looks at me, and I just offer my drink to toast to hers. I smile and she knows something’s up. She knows what was up. “Nandiyan na ba siya?”, she asks. “Papunta na daw.” And I smile with the fact. I smile with the thought of you. But I remind her of my Plan B, which was to run to her when I can’t stand the situation.

Six songs and three beers down, you arrived. I was talking to my friends but I already saw you in my peripherals, like I always do. And like I always do, I ran back inside the bar to my partner  in crime. She asks the same question but my response was “Oh my god! Nandiyan na siya!” She stood up with no hesitations and we went outside where you were. We went straight to our friends. And you were just a few meters away. While I wished we’d just be inches away instead. Sometimes I could feel your eyes on me. Or was I just assuming? Did you want to start a conversation? Because I did. There were many conversation starters I thought of in my mind. None of them worked. None because I was too nervous to even approach you. I decided I would just be glad that you were here on a Friday night, with us, with me. And that’s my problem, I get attached to people and things even when the distance between us are counted by light years.

The night turned darker and I’ve already lost count of the sticks I smoked. I kept looking at you and you kept looking on your phone. Until the last one when you stood up, crossed the road, and opened a door for someone. Your girlfriend. I knew she’d be here. “Nandiyan na girlfriend niya.” One of my friends said. As if I already didn’t see. As if I needed another person to tell me. I already told myself that beer and friends were the only things that’d I’d mind that night. I already told myself I wouldn’t mind her… them… But I did, didn’t I? And I don’t have the right to feel this way, do I? And up to this day, I regretted spending that Friday with you. And up to this day… I’m glad that I spent that Friday with you.

Finally after a few more sips from other people’s bottles, I had the courage to sit near you. One friend between us to be exact. And I think you noticed. I know you did. Because you looked at me, asked our friend to get my attention to you, as you thanked me for the gift you thought I gave you last December. I responded with a half-hearted nod. And that gift and how you thought it was from me is a whole different story and meant to be told in another time. I’ll tell you in time, if we had the time. I found your conversation starter a little awkward though. Digging up something that happened a few months ago. But I’m glad too, because that was a convo starter nonetheless. I’m glad you did the first move. Even with your girlfriend beside you. Just know it hurt. Just know it felt good too.

A few hours later, people started to leave. And we’re left with six as we decide to eat. A big part of me wanted to make an alibi so I could leave too. Why would I spend more time with you and your girlfriend? But the little part of me that wanted to see you more even just for the night won. I agreed to go. Just to be with you. Even if that meant seeing you with her. And so we ate. And I got to talk to you for a few minutes. And I was even glad when we handed changes to each other after eating. Thinking there I was, not meters away from you anymore. But what am I doing to myself? In the end I’ll be going home alone. In the end, you’ll be going home with her. And I’ll just end up writing how I felt last Friday night.

-Joelle

P.S. I tend to over-dramatize because I imagine too much. My feelings may seem deeper here but it’s not. HAHAHA!

Journal Entry 006: Ahon

Sana dumating na yung panahon

kung saan ako’y makaka ahon

Yung wala na akong pakialam sayo

At di ko na chinicheck ang facebook mo

Kahit di na ako ang sanhi ng iyong kasiyahan

Sana di mo pa din ako makalimutan

Pagkatapos ng maraming taon

Ikaw pa rin ang iniisip ko hanggang ngayon

Di na din kita pipilitin

dahil alam kong di naman ako ang iyong pipiliin

Pero kahit ganun pa man ang mangyari

Di naman kita masisisi

Pero wag ka magalala

Balang araw, makakahanap din ako ng bagong mamahalin

at umaasa ako na sana ako’y mahal niya rin
– Joan

Journal Entry 005: Untitled

You dont belong here little girl.
You dont belong in confined spaces,
With Four walls surrounding you.
You dont belong in these kinds of places,
And do what you’re not supposed to do.

You dont deserve to spend hours sitting,
With a break as fast as a blink of an eye.
You dont deserve to feel as if youre nothing,
Reduced to a tiny spec floating in the sky.

You belong with the world little girl.
You belong in wide spaces,
Where your big heart can just shout.
You belong in your happy places,
See the world and go out and about.

You deserve to spend hours travelling,
With never wanting a break ’cause it’s what you love.
You deserve to feel everything,
From the crumbling of the ground to the stars shining above.

So run little girl, drop everything you’re doing.
Run as fast as you can till you catch up on your dreams.
Run until the darkness finally dims.
Run until you reach where your heart really wants to go.

-Joelle